the end is the beginning of next

The End is the beginning of the next


photo: Inga Jautakyte


I keep changing the word, which is starting this text. It’s a time adverb. I felt. Then I was avoiding this feeling for a while, but than I felt it again and I keep feeling it over and over and over and again. I feel nothing. I feel zero. I don’t feel. I don’t feel anything when I watch. Watch something what ‘am extremely passionate about. This Something is an performance . This  Something is a performance of a dance. Performance of the moving and extremely fascinating body….God dammit what’s that. Lately I’m not even able to answer the basic social question after performance: “ So how did you like it”? In my culture to like something “ is connected only with the feelings and you are not throwing around with this word as you would be saying “I was shopping” > How can I answer this question. I don’t feel anything and I’ flustered by it. The question arises: “Am I dry? No I’m not and do not even try to place me there. Last time when I was sitting in your position I was thinking about my “first time”. I was little nervous I was excited. I was extremely open. My eyes were almost blown out from eye bolls with what I saw and my body felt close to explosion. Feelings and emotions and needs, excitements……till I’m here. Now. Today. I feel dry..
I collected the forms which doesn’t satisfied me anymore as audience. They don’t necessarily have to be forms it depends how they are executed. Before I ended up in this thing which you are hopefully looking at. I tried to execute those forms as a performer and find in them the satisfaction which I lost as audience
Shaking – Found. In case that there is a way to arrive to shaking or specific focus or reason. Not found in the case when the task is “shake”
Sexual wild movements – Found in privet live. Professional live- in searching. Well, both still in search.
Producing weird sounds – Found if it’s what you really need not that what you represent
Describing the movement or situation which I have done- Not found
Explaining the situation or dance which I have done- Not found.
Making a contemporary dance fraze- Not found
Being disgusting for the fashion of being disgusting – Not found
Performing a contemporary dance phrase with emotional dramatic expression in the face. This probably coming more from my past education. – Definitely not found

I believe it’s possible . I know that’s possible. I felt it I experienced it. The feeling is the most abstract thing to grasp but the most beautiful one. And if all of them disappears…it’s not about recreating them it’s about keeping them in power.
I have been trying to clarified and explain this feeling in simple specific equation. This equation is basic formula of the creating a performance. Simple narrowed down generalization : A + B = C . This formula is for the performance where I don’t feel anything.
A+ B= C+ That’s how I call a good , great, I liked performance.
Let me explain A- it is an Artist itself
B- are a tools which artist has available to play with.
C- is the product itself
And the plus?
Plus is something what makes the artist and the performance unique.
Plus is something to search for. Plus is also something what might possible not be found during life But with each work there should be at least another dot which leads to completing and fulfilling this plus.
Plus can be mathematically achieved by + and +. Or minus and -. And definetly by other ways as well.
For now I go for minus and minus.
–    artist- Deconstruction of myself, Inhibition of my knowledge
–    tools which are used where they have been already used, not questioned tools
That’s equal to C+ or at least close to C+

I have started my connection with art with a pure love.
My love has been raped by knowledge.
Rape is something what I’m afraid off.
Rape is the biggest crime in my point of view.
Rape deserves a castration.
My knowledge and education deserves castration.
There I’m once again and over and over.
And what’s that.